Depresséd Avenger (kingbobtheevil) wrote,
Depresséd Avenger

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been way too long...

Well, I'm not even sure where to begin.  It' been forever since I even really cared to update this thing.  I've only had internet access in small bursts... but at least I finally got my dad to get cable.  But I'll get back to that later.....

Well, to update, I broke up with Steph fully and completely more than 3 years ago, maybe close to 4 now.  I'm glad all that shit is behind me.  However, cuz she was my first real relationship, it was very hard to get over her.  Then the most amazing thing happened.  I met Heather.  The funny thing about that is, she's my old meth dealer's sister.  That was weird in and of itself, as I had already quit that shit and still to this day don't want anything to do with it.

Heather was God's gift to me.  And I blew it.  She came out of nowhere and helped me get over that whore I was attached to.  She picked me up, showed me love, and gave me hope.  We dated for 3 years, almost exactly, and they were the best 3 years of my life.  It started fairly innocently.  We hung out and got stoned together, watched movies, played video games, or whatever else.  I was working 2 jobs when we first got together, Heartland Distribution, the warehouse, during the week, and Northwest Pizza on the weekends.  So, I would pick Heather up sometime after I got off work at the warehouse and she'd spend the night.  At first, I'd bring her home in the morning before I had to go to work, and we'd spend 10-15 minutes talking (and sometimes practically making out) right outside her mom's house.  I'd always be late to work because of it.  And I didn't care.  I loved every second I got to spend with her.  Sometimes, I'd even call in sick just to be able to spend the whole day with her.  Of course, that was once it got to the point where I stopped bringing her home altogether.  She'd stay a couple of days, then I'd bring her home, and more than likely pick her up again that same night.  After a while of that, she just moved in with me (at my dad's house, where I had moved after breaking up with Steph.)

After a while, we both got completely fed up with life at my dad's house.  He didn't do much of anything, at all.  No cleaning, cooking, laundry, nothing.  If anything needed to get done, Heather or I had to do it.  So we moved in with her mom.  That was probably both the best and the worst thing to happen to our relationship.  As much as Heather hated being around my dad, I hated being around her mom.  So I spent most of the time in our bedroom, which was way bigger than this little jail cell of a room I have to live in at my dad's.  Almost right away, we got cable internet, which was something my dad refused to let me get at his house.  I was happy.  I could play my games all day and Heather would come into the room every so often and see if I needed anything, like a refill of my drink or whatever.  I was in heaven.  I had a beautiful girl, with an awesome personality, who pretty much waited on me hand and foot.  The only thing she failed at was sex.  And she failed bad.  Steph and Heather are pretty much complete opposites.  Steph was amazing in bed, but the relationship was a mindfuck.  Heather was only good with her mouth, as she didn't know how to move at all.  But she taught me what love really is.  Only after being with Heather did I realize that I never loved Steph at all.  Literally.  The emotion I felt, that I *thought* was love (and made me tell her, "I love you,") was nothing more than attatchment.

Actually, I should clarify a little more.  I don't remember exactly the order of where or when we moved, but briefly, we tried renting a house in town with one of my coworkers from the warehouse.  That didn't work out so well, and we ended up at Heather's mom's in the end.  Those were slightly bumpy times in our relationship, but we got through them for the most part.

After a while of living at Heather's mom's, her mom had one of her friends move in as well.  This guy was just getting out of jail, was on parole, and wasn't allowed to live alone.  That was why.  Neither me nor Heather was very fond of this guy.  That pretty much sank our relationship.  I was already on edge enough living with one person I didn't like, then I had to deal with two.  I was wrong in doing so, but because of the added stress, I stopped treating Heather like she was as important to me as she really is.  I forgot what she meant to me, and I gave up.  I dunno what happened or why, but I got a little depressed.  I saw some problems in our relationship and decided to just let go.  That was the worst mistake I ever made.  I should have tried.  I should have fixed things then.

After a few months of living with this other guy, and everyone being irritated with each other, Heather wants to talk about our relationship, "or the lack thereof," as she put it.  She said she just wanted a break to think about things and figure out what she really wanted.  Essentially, she dumped me and kicked me out of her mom's house.  This happened about a week and a half before Thanksgiving, 2008.  What a great start to the holiday season, eh?  So, Heather wanted to still be friends, but, of course, since I didn't want the relationship to end, that only made it worse for me.  I wanted to be with her, I wanted to hold her, kiss her, cuddle with her.  I wanted to tell her I loved her and hear it back.  I wanted to sleep next to her and see her pretty face first thing when I woke up.  She was a terrible lay, but I didn't give a fuck.  I know how amazing she is, and I blew it.

Shortly after we broke up, she decided to rent a place in town with her "best friend."  I told her it wasn't a good idea, but she never listened to me when I gave her advice.  Ever.  I'm not going to get into it now, but long story short, Heather got screwed and she lost her "best friend."  Time went on, she moved on, and I still hurt.  She said it was just a break so she could think.  I knew deep down that wasn't the case.  It's over.  I told her I'd be fine with her getting a new boyfriend as long as she didn't try to hide it from me.  If she really did still want to be friends, she could at least do that much.  But no, she lied about getting a new boyfriend for a while.  I knew, but she kept saying she was still single.  Yeah, right.  That's like me saying I'm single right now.......  But whatever.  She is an amazing person that deserves way better than how I treated her at the end of our relationship.  She deserves better than me.  With the way she treated me, I only wish her the best.  I wish I were the one to be by her side, making her smile every day.  But I blew it.

It still hurts.  It probably will for quite some time.  I'm guessing I'd be wrong if I said I'd be fine before the end of the year.  I literally felt torn in half.  I hurt so bad, I didn't want to move.  I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to play video games, hell, I didn't even want to get stoned.  I was worse off than when Steph was fucking with my mind.  At this point, I had transferred to Heartland's retreading shop, had worked 2 jobs again for a few months, quit Northwest around the end of June a few years ago, and then got laid off at the retread shop......twice.  (I spent pretty much a full year unemployed until I got the job at Rafferty's at the end of January 2009. I got hired at Rafferty's only a few months after Heather dumped me.)  With that being said, I had no job, no money, no girl, no life.  My friends had to bribe me to come into town and hang out, cuz I was back at my dad's house again.  It takes like 10 minutes to get into town from here.  And driving to town and back eats up a lot of gas.  I pretty much could only go to town once a day, every few days, IF I was lucky.  So I slept when I felt like it, stayed awake as long as I felt like it, and pretty much did nothing.  I was so depressed, I spent most of the time lying in bed staring at the walls for hours on end.  I would wake up, lie in bed a few hours, get up to urinate, go lie down again, then stare at the walls for 8, 10, 14 hours and pass out again.  It was pathetic.  My Xbox and PS2 are sitting not even a foot and a half away from the end of my bed, and I wouldn't even touch them.

Finally, I got the job at Rafferty's, ending my year of unemployment and giving me something to distract me from losing Heather.  I started off only working 2 days a week, but with the economy the way it is, I was glad for even that much.  After a few weeks, the other guy who only worked twice a week got fired, so I got one of his days.  Then a week after that, (about a week ago, actually,) some shit went down and another driver got fired.  Now I'm working 5 days a week.  And have cable internet.  Things are starting to look up.  Starting....

Well, I only work with 3 girls at Rafferty's.  2 are kinda hot and the other, not really.  I don't really know the 2 hot ones, but one of them I'm not too fond of, from what I do know.  The other one, however, made it her personal vendetta to crack my shell and get to know me.  I was trying to hide my feelings because I was still VERY much still attached to Heather.  And what I meant in that last sentence about "feelings" is just that:  feelings in general.  I was hiding everything.  Well, wouldn't you know, I opened up a little and she fell for me.  Great.  What now?  Do I let myself get into another relationship when I'm still caught up on my last one?  I know that's what happened with Heather, but it really isn't fair for the other person at all.  Heather knew Steph, though, and knew what she was doing in getting with me so soon after Steph.  My coworker doesn't.  But she wants to try a relationship with me, even though she really doesn't know much about me yet.  I still haven't told her my true feelings.  She doesn't know the *REAL* reason I hesitated to say yes when she asked me out.  And I don't want to tell her, either.  I respect her enough to not want to burden her with this.  I don't really see myself being with her very long, so I don't think she needs to know.  But maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I will be happy with Brandi (that's her name.)  Maybe.  I just don't know.  When Brandi cuddles with me, all I can think about is Heather.  When Brandi kisses me, all I can think is, "I wish these were Heather's lips demanding my attention."  I've tried, but I can't get Heather out of my mind.  I don't really remember for sure, but I don't think I was caught up on Steph for this long....

The first few days of livling back at my dad's, it felt like my heart had been torn completely out of my chest.  It hurt so much.  And Heather called or texted me religously every 2-4 days.  That kinda made it harder, but gave me the chance to slowly let go.  We kept cuddliing for quite some time after we broke up.  And she even kissed me a few times.  She let me kiss her pretty much whenever I wanted, but the more time that passed, the more I could tell she didn't want to kiss me.  It was just that she was letting me, not that she was even going to put any effort in kissing me back.  It was just a break, right?  That kind of thing was ok, right?  But she wasn't just taking a break.  I tried to fix things things.  I showed her I was willing to change to make things work again, so we could get back together.  She watched me try.  She knew how hard I was trying.  But it wasn't just a break.  She kept telling me she "just wanted to be single."  Whatever THAT means..... One of you girls who still reads this thing, please tell me WTF that translates into?!  Basically, what I understand, is she wanted to fool around a little bit.  But that makes little to no sense at all, cuz that's not the type of person she is.  She wouldn't even consider having sex with me for a few months after we started dating.  So I don't think it was that far, but maybe she just wanted to cuddle and kiss a couple different people.  Whatever makes her happy, I guess.  She does deserve that much.

The other day, I saw her new picture on her myspace page.  It was of her kissing her new boyfriend.  My heart about broke again.  I almost burst into tears for a while.  But then I looked again and saw how happy they both looked.  I haven't seen Heather look that happy for a *LONG* time.  And I cheared up a little bit.  Then, last night, Brandi came over again.  We were cuddling, and I was thinking about that picture.  I wished it was me with her, and I wanted to cry again.  But then I started thinking about our relationship and it just hit me.  Like someone came by and replaced that Heal over Time spell with a Greater Healing.  I realized I had a lot of the best things from our relationship still.  If I ever run into any trouble, or just need someone to talk to, Heather will be there for me.  She's a hot chick that I can hang out, smoke weed, play video games, and watch movies with.  She's fun to talk to.  I still have all that.  I just don't get to hold her or kiss her, or wake up next to her beautiful face.  But at least I don't have to have sex with her any more.  And instantly I felt better.  All I'm really missing is the sexual side.  And she pretty much sucked at that anyways.  Instantly felt better.  Yet another milestone reached on the road to recovery.

However, I do feel a little guilty about getting into a relationship with Brandi.  I really didn't see it going far in the first place, but since she was so heartset on dating me, I figured she at least deserved a chance.  Am I happy?  Up to a point.  Could I be happier?  Definately.  But I could also be a lot less happy, too.  For the most part, I just think Brandi let herself get carried away.  I think she's assuming some things about me that may not be true, just cuz she wants to think that way.  Like, I think she thinks I'm a lot more interested in anime than I really am.  I know she's huge into anime, but I just don't care that much.  I enjoy watching anime, but I'm not crazy about it.  And I think she thinks I'm a lot more interested than just that.  But whatever works.

...Don't get me wrong, Brandi is a really cool person.  I'm just not attracted to her much at all (if at all.)  Just the last half a year I was still with Heather, I pretty much had to beg just to get so much as a blowjob.  I am very sexually frustrated right now.  Very.  My first girl was a whore.  I still want a piece every day.  =P  Is there something wrong with that?  I think in a serious relationship, daily sex can really help.  You're spending time pleasing the person you love, and getting enjoyment at the same time.  Even if it's not all-out sex, if it's just oral or whatever, I still think that having daily intimate encounters with your special someone really helps the relationship.  Maybe I'm just weird, but that's the way I see it.

Anyway, I should really wrap this up.  I kinda lost track of the time, but I think I've been typing this thing for like an hour and a half or something.  I know 4 years is a lot to update in just this small space, but I did leave a ton of things out.  Some minor, some major, some that I just can't think of right now.  I'm definately not the same person I was last time I tried to keep this thing updated.  I dunno how hard I'm going to try now, but we'll see.  I know for now, I'm more than likely just talking to myself, but I'm ok with that.  I really just needed to write some of this shit down.  Peace of mind sort of thing, you know.  I just can't believe how much better realizing that I don't want to have sex with Heather any more made me feel.  It was amazing.  Like I had a hundred orgasms at once.  Without the cream filling.

And on that note, I'll end it
...til next time...
~Magikingbob of Crushridge~
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