Depresséd Avenger (kingbobtheevil) wrote,
Depresséd Avenger

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Peace of mind?  What's that?  Closure?  Yeah, right...

So, Heather's moving away in less than a month now.  I thought I was going to be fine.  I thought I knew what was going to happen....  Looks like I was wrong.  Heather does have a boyfriend, but a few days ago, she started throwing out hints (and blatant statements) that she wanted to be with me again.  BUT: she doesn't want to hurt HIM.
~Wow, WTF?~
She's moving away, and doesn't want to hurt her current boyfriend (via breaking up with him.) And she tells me she still needs to do some thinking.  But she says she thinks she knows what she wants.......and yet still needs to do some thinking.  I'll never understand women.

Now, up til a few days ago, she'd been consistently telling me to "move on."  So that's what I was trying to do.  I'd resigned myself to the thought that Heather and I would never be together again.  It still hurts, but it's probably true.  So, when Brandi asked me out, I hesitated (cuz of my feelings for Heather) but still said yes.  In no time at all, I felt a shitload better.  I was happier.  Without even trying to, Brandi helped me get over Heather a bit more.

I'm not going to say I'm anywhere near completely over Heather.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  Hence my dilemma.  I feel terrible for what I did, but hear me out....  I talked with Brandi for quite a while and ended up breaking up with her.  I owed her the complete truth, so I gave it to her.  I told her, as best I could, how I still felt about Heather and what was going on.  I dated Heather for 3 years.  I seriously thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.  If there's any chance of making it work again, you can bet I'm willing to try.  So with Heather throwing out such strong hints, I don't know what's going to happen.  I've been cheated on, and I won't do it to anyone.  I know how it feels.  And I have a pretty strict definition of cheating.  Even something as little as kissing or feeling up (even fully dressed) is still cheating.  If Heather tries to kiss me, you can bet I won't stop her.  As I explained to Brandi, I'd rather break up and it not happen than to NOT break up and it does.  She seemed to understand, but I still feel like shit for doing what I did.  I just don't know what to do.

...I thought Heather was happy.  But she says she's not really....  She doesn't want to lose me, but doesn't know for sure if she wants to be in a relationship with me again.....  Well, her current boyfriend, I guess, is even more jealous than I am.  He doesn't like the idea of her even talking to me.  Honestly, I don't blame him.  At all.  But she has a boyfriend, and I can respect that.  I'm not going to try to kiss her or grope her or something.  But I can't say I don't want to sometimes.  But, the thing is, she broke up with me for a reason.  Now, it seems she's forgotten.  As if the thought of moving away is making her not think straight.  Or maybe she's finally making up her mind.  I just don't know.

But Brandi knows what she wants.  She wants me.  And she told me she'll wait for me, too. (which is another thing that makes me feel even worse.)  Brandi does make me a certain extent.  The problem is, I'm not really that physically attracted to her.  But emotionally, she's been more than just a crutch.  So I needed to do quite a bit of thinking.  Who do I choose?

Well, I thought a little bit, and started leaning towards Brandi.  Brandi knows about Heather, but Heather doesn't know about Brandi.  I figured she at least should know that she's missing her chance.  But now that I've told Heather that, I feel even worse.
~Everything I do is making it worse~
So what do I do?  I'm really not big on the idea of my girlfriend living in another town almost an hour away.  That and I've shown Heather I'm willing to change to make things work.  She's done nothing to show (or even tell) me that she's willing to change to make things work, too.  Even though she broke up with me, there are things she knows irritated me that she needs to change.  So, with less than a month til she moves away, is she really going to show me she's willing to change?  And if she does, will she be serious or would she just be doing it so she doesn't have to "lose" me?  Her boyfriend isn't comfortable with her even so much as talking to me, so....  I just want her to be happy, even if it means we can't see each other any more.  I guess I just don't care any more.  I still want her to be happy, but I'm over her just enough where this has turned into one massive confusing mess.

If Heather shows me she's seriously going to try to make it work again, I'll more than just probably go for it.  But I still feel bad about the whole "fling" with Brandi.  I am starting to grow feelings for her, though.  I still don't know how far a real relationship with Brandi would go, so I really don't know what to do.  I don't really want a 2-3 month relationship.  I'd rather just be single and masturbate.  =P  Then I wouldn't have to worry about hurting anyone (or being hurt.)  But as I said last post: sexually, I'm ready for another relationship, but emotionally, I really don't think I am.  I felt guilty being with Brandi when I still had feelings for Heather.  (And I did tell Brandi that, too.) 

So what do I do?  Maybe I should just stay single, cuz it seems I'm going to be miserable whatever I decide.  I do have World of Warcrack to keep me happy...

In the positive news, my priest hit 77 and can now fly in Northrend!  W00t!  I work tomorrow (Sunday,) but I'll probably be 80 before I work again on Tuesday.

...until next time...
~Magikingbob of Crushridge~
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